We have to be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us … the old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.”
– Joseph Campbell, A Joseph Campbell Companion
Our tour of the apartment only took a few minutes. The furniture was modern, which wasn’t exactly our style (if we have a style). And the current tenant wasn’t exactly tidy. But I’d seen much worse in my time as a landlord back in the U.S.
Most importantly, the apartment was in our target neighborhood within Cuenca, Ecuador. It was a short walk to Parque de la Madre (Park of the Mother) where our young kids could play and my wife and I could exercise. And it was fully furnished and within our rental budget at $600/month.
On top of all of that, its oversized living room windows framed a gorgeous view of the blue domes of the New Cathedral in the historic old town center.
So, in my quick way, I made a decision.
“Let’s take it,” I suggested to my wife, Kari. But being more thoughtful (and indecisive), she hesitated as usual.
Of course, I missed a few negatives that she noticed. For example, our bed was tiny – as in two adults on a single bed! The apartment needed cleaning. There was only a tiny outdoor porch. And it had an old-fashioned washing machine and no dryer.
“But it’s a month-to-month rental” I explained. “We can always move. And it has a blender!”
I had secretly been craving homemade smoothies with fresh fruit and greens. And this somehow seemed more important than the bed or other issues at the moment.
I continued, “Let’s just make a decision. It’s good enough for now, and I’m tired of looking. The landlord said the tenant will clean before he leaves.”
“Ok. I guess it’ll work for now. ” She had finally relented.
When we finally moved in, however, neither of us were happy with the decision.
But before I tell you why, I need to give you the context of the 6 months that led up to that short 3-minute tour of the apartment.
Family Nomads For 6 Months
We had been preparing for this trip abroad for at least a year. As we jettisoned much of the stuff and the responsibilities that had burdened us, we learned that simplicity was the key that unlocked the door to freedom.
But as of the day of the apartment tour in late January, we had been experimenting with the concept of home.
In July, we moved out of our principal residence because we had found wonderful tenants who would stay in our house for 2 years during our extended mini-retirement. We were not leaving for Ecuador until January, so we stayed in a short-term rental for the fall (one of the benefits of having your own rental apartments!).
During December, we spent a series of weeks staying with different family members before our January 4th flight to Ecuador. And once we arrived in Ecuador, we hopped between a series of hotels, inns, and an Airbnb apartment while we got our feet under us.
Here are a few pictures during our nomadic period:
So, by the time we toured the apartment with the cathedral view and tiny bed, we had been nomads for 6 months. And while nomadic life was ok in our lives with no kids, we parents were exhausted!
Our yearning to put down roots contributed to our quick decision that day after touring the apartment. But our experience moving into the apartment taught us a lot about ourselves and about the concept of home.
A Fully-Furnished Apartment (& More)
Moving day finally came. About mid-afternoon, we finished packing our bags and cleaning our Airbnb apartment. Then we caravaned two blocks along pot-holed sidewalks, with kids and suitcases in tow.
I had met the landlord to get the key and pay our rent that morning. So, we were on our own as we moved in.
But after dropping our suitcases and observing the kids’ normal routine of jumping on the beds in their new room, we realized something wasn’t right.
Kari first noticed the kitchen. The cabinets were grimy, the furnished plates and silverware needed recleaning, and it had a slight smell of sewer.
I noticed that the tile floors had sticky spots and a variety of long, black hairs scattered throughout.
And we all noticed with disappointment that the bathtubs were grimy and had a blackish ring from dirty water. We had hoped to give the kids a pre-bedtime bath.
We tried to call the landlord, but we had to leave voicemails and texts.
So, we made the best of it for the evening because we didn’t want to go anywhere else that late in the day.
After the kids were in tucked into bed, we finally were able to relax in our own bed (although I had to lay sideways, with feet hanging off).
But the relaxation didn’t last long. After a few minutes resting her head on her pillow, Kari bolted straight up.
“There are hairs all over the bed! And they’re not ours!”
I sat up too. I was almost ready to throw in the towel and give up.
Sure enough, the bed had someone else’s hairs. And these weren’t the long, beautiful kind.
A Moment of Crisis – What Is Home?
I actually feel bad calling this a moment of crisis. There are true moments of crisis in the world, and our little apartment fiasco is not really one of them.
But for me and Kari in our moment of exasperation, it was a big deal. We sat in the living room together, staring at the floor, on the verge of emotional breakdown. And we started second guessing everything!
What were we thinking taking this trip?
Why didn’t we just stay in our home back in the U.S.?
What exactly did we expect to achieve traveling as a family? So far, we were just tired and frustrated.
Looking back on this experience from a more calm place, I now realize the primary source of our crisis.
The issue was our idea of home. The everyday crutches of comfort had been jerked out from under us. The little familiarities of our normal life were not present.
I mean, do you really notice the little things at home? I know I didn’t.
But the sounds, the smells, the feeling of your favorite chair, and the familiarity of your well-worn kitchen utensils all contribute to a feeling of safety and comfort. For most of us, those “little” things ARE home.
But we didn’t have all of those. And the unclean apartment and curly little hairs were simply the final straw that collapsed our notion of being comfortable in a new place.
But as Joseph Campbell, one of my favorite authors and thinkers, said in the quote that opened this article, you have to shed the old skin in order for a new one to grow.
This itty-bitty moment of crisis was an opportunity for us to grow as individuals and a family.
Home is Wherever I’m With You
Man o’ man you’re my best friend,
I’ll scream into the nothingness.
There ain’t nothin’ that I need.Home! Let me come home!
Home is wherever I’m with you!”– Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros, Home
I don’t know how it happened, but even after sleeping on a hairy bed (I’m not proud of it!), the next day was different.
Our landlord was not cooperative and didn’t plan on sending a cleaning person. So, we found someone for $25 to clean the entire apartment, including the baths, kitchen cabinets, and dishes. We also found a nearby laundromat who would clean and fold all of our sheets and blankets on the same day for about $10.
We are not above cleaning our own place or doing our own laundry, but this time we enjoyed lounging in the park while someone else did it for us. Plus, the fresh air and the excitement of a new day seemed to kindle a new determination in us.
We began to realize the other things that we could build upon to make a new home, even temporarily, here in a new location.
What were these foundations of a home? They included:
- Good health
- Exercise
- Morning rituals (like meditation and quiet time)
- A cabinet full of healthy groceries
- Home-cooked meals together as a family
- A clean kitchen, floors, and bathrooms
- Peanut butter and banana sandwiches (MY favorite)
- Safety
- A warm bed (free of hairs!)
- Dance parties in the kitchen
- Spontaneous meet-ups with a community of friends (not just being tourists)
- A walkable neighborhood
- Regular schedules (we all functioned better with a routine)
- Safe and nurturing schools for our kids
As we experienced and realized these true pillars of home, we were stunned.
“Home” wasn’t just a physical place. The people and experiences that nourished our lives built our feeling of home. And we could cultivate and seek that feeling wherever we went.
We were also surprised at the contrast between our exasperation the night before and our deep contentment over the next few weeks.
This experience gave us the gift of learning what we truly valued. For so many reasons, it’s a lesson that Kari and I (and I hope our kids) will never forget.
Conclusion
Over nine months later we’re still in the same apartment. We considered moving a couple of times, but the good always seemed to outweigh the bad.
Of course, we go to the park nearly every day. And we have a wonderful fruit/vegetable stand across the street that provides fresh, inexpensive produce.
Also, our landlord even upgraded us to a brand new double bed (no hairs included)!
But now that we are drawing closer to our return to our permanent home in the U.S., we have begun talking about that home as well.
There are things we miss about the U.S. home – like our screened back porch, big backyard for picnics (without stray dogs!), trees, a garden, and owls who sing us to sleep at night. But other things we will miss here in Ecuador, like beautiful views, the simplicity of cleaning a small apartment, regular slow family time, local food, a wonderful community of friends, and being able to walk to nearly everything we need.
But I imagine our transition back to the U.S. will be similar to our transition to Ecuador. It will have its challenges, but we’ll grow into it. And we’ll learn more about ourselves in the process.
That’s the beauty of traveling. You never return home the same. And that’s a good thing.
We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.
– T.S. Eliot
Have you had travel experiences (good or bad) that taught you something about yourself and your concept of home? Do you have any mini-retirement or travel plans in the near future? I’d love to hear about them in the comments below.
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Mary W says
Interesting post. This is not a travel experience, but it is about the concept of “home”, in 1998, we arrived after an outing only to find our home burnt to the ground. We realized “home” is all about the people, the memories, the rituals. All the material things were replaced within a year or two. Great lesson to learn early on.
We recently moved to a new location. It is exhausting when the systems are not in place. We’re in our 60’s…..guess I don’t feel so bad now knowing that folks half our age experience that also.
Thank you for sharing your personal story. Love your posts.
Mary
Chad Carson says
Thank for for sharing your experience, Mary. That is amazing how such a traumatic experience like having your home burnt to the ground made you realize what home is all about. I imagine that experience is extra shocking, because it all happens so fast.
And yes – I think people of all ages have that shock in a new place with the adjustments. Even our youngest daughter (4 years old) was less flexible with the changes and longed for some of the old ways compared with our older daughter. But over time she’s come around too.
Thanks for following my posts! Great to have you here.
Fedora says
I️ think some sort of hardship in life (especially for those of us that live “privileged” lives) is always a good lesson and puts life into perspective. We recently went through two category 5 hurricanes in our home of St. Thomas, VI. We were one of the lucky ones to not lose our home but we and all the islands are currently (60 days and counting) without electricity. It’s both been a humbling and often frustrating experience but the amount of appreciation we have for the basics of just running water and lights has increased tenfold!
Chad Carson says
Wow, I can’t even imagine what it’s like in St. Thomas after all you’ve been through there. And what an amazing perspective you have to appreciate the basics of a shelter over your head, water, and lights, like you said. I am sure it’s a long-haul for recovery, but hoping things get better for you and others there in the Virgin Islands and other parts of the Caribbean.
And regarding privilege, that’s one of the things I’m confronted with every day here in Ecuador. In soooo many ways, from my birth in a certain family, to my educational and economic opportunities, to good health – I’m amazingly privileged. It doesn’t have to be something to be ashamed of, but for me at least, it’s humbling. It puts my interactions with others into perspective.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Damn Millennial says
Thanks for sharing Chad. Really respect you for being able to do this with a family. Sometimes I think parents use kids as an excuse to not adventure or get out of their comfort zone. I am curious though do you home school? Generally that is the biggest reason most people won’t move from a certain location.
I have a question regarding real estate too if you wouldn’t mind a direct message?
Chad Carson says
Thanks D.M! We are not home schooling. Our kids are in local private schools, which is great because they get to be immersed daily and have improved their Spanish skills dramatically. Our kids are young (4 and 6) so it’s relatively easy at this age. But we also have expat friends here with 16 year olds, 18 year olds, and everything in between. Some of them home school and some use local private schools, which are relatively affordable here compared to the states. Especially on a temporary trip like we’re on, it can be an amazing learning experience for children that enriches their lives for many years.
Greg McKay says
Superb story. Understand completely Been through it before. Really good because people like to hear the human interest stories along with real estate. Forwarded to 4 people who really need to read it. Many thanks
Chad Carson says
Thanks for your support Greg!
Rachel says
Love this post! I found your site through Bigger Pockets (the articles you wrote about snowball payments & free and clear real estate led me to discover this site), but one of my ultimate real estate goals is more freedom for my family to live abroad, so this resonates with me. My husband’s family is from Morocco so we take our kids there whenever possible (and we lived there for two years, pre-kids), and I was able to live in Spain with my kids for a month this past summer. It’s wonderful for your children to get exposed to the discomfort of other places and then to ultimately realize that home is wherever they/you are.
Chad Carson says
Hey Rachel! Welcome! Glad you found your way here from BiggerPockets. Very cool that you’re doing some test trips to Spain and Morocco. We did the same with our kids before the big, long trip. Where do you want to live abroad with your kids? Morocco? Or do you want to try out other places?
Elephant Eater (@elephant_eater) says
Interesting read Chad. I think that it is important to see what life is REALLY like for those of us making conscious decisions to take a different path in life, and it isn’t all butterflies and puppy dogs.
When I started down a similar path to yours, I found that reading the stories of others was both the best and worst thing that happened to me. It was the best in that it challenged me to question old (and wrong) assumptions that had limited me. It was the worst in that most of the people I read presented this picture of an easy path to this ideal destination of early retirement and I got caught up believing it all and started wanting it a little too much.
I know we both agree that there is more good than bad when choosing your own path and in the end it is worth it, but it is always important to remember that we all have our struggles and doubts that we are working through as we improve and grow. Thanks for sharing!
Chad Carson says
Quote of the day “it isn’t all butterflies and puppy dogs.” Lol. I guess the reality is that sometimes it can be smushed butterflies and puppy dog poop:)
Definitely agree that there is more good to path to the FIRE path. But haven’t an honest assessment of the challenges of this goal or really any goal makes sense.
Thanks for adding your wisdom to the conversation!
mnguyen474 says
Thanks for sharing Chad! I’m glad you were able to take a long term trip with your family. People say travel while you’re young because it’s impossible the older you get.
After a long 6 month trip abroad in Japan, I will finally be flying back home tomorrow, so I’m in the weird transition phase where I miss Japanese food, people, and simply the exploration of a new place but also looking forward to catching up with family and core friends.
I’d love to see another post talking about your transition back home.
Chad Carson says
Wow, that is a big transition coming back from Japan. I have always wanted to visit there. Perhaps 2020 for the Olympics? Maybe you can give me some tips.
I appreciate the suggestion on a future post on the transition back. Great idea. It will be an interesting time for sure. Like you, we’re looking forward to it in some ways and in others we’re not. Such is life!
Thanks for commenting!
Karen Braun says
Great article Chad and Kari. I sincerely enjoyed reading and had much empathy for your experience in your apartment your first night there. We had the experience of a very dirty hotel stay while driving to a vacation destination once. I felt your “pain” while reading your article. I’m sure you hope to never have to relive that experience (I know I don’t). I’m positive your kids will always remember their time abroad with great fondness. Enjoy your holidays and I hope to see you all in ‘18.
Chad Carson says
Hey Karen! Thanks for commenting. Sorry to hear you had a similar experience in a hotel room.
We’re hoping you’re right about the kids’ memories of this experience. They are growing so much in so many ways. It’s fun as a parent to see it (but a little sad too because they’re not our little babies anymore:). We’ll definitely see you in 2018!
Alicia says
Good story! You never know what you’ll get (even after the tour) when you rent in Ecuador. I’ve had light switches that are so high, kids and small adults can’t reach them! Counter tops so low…your back kills after washing the dishes. Oh well, lucky you got a tub for the kids! See you at Parque de la Madre.
Saludos,
Alicia
Chad Carson says
Ha, Ha. Yeah – so true about not knowing even after you move in. And yes – the tub is one of those must-haves in our case. Big washer and a clothes dryer – would be nice too:) But we’re doing ok without. See you at the park!
Michael K Mies says
An interesting read, as usual… This time, however, your story resonated with me. After spending the past six weeks helping with recovery efforts in Puerto Rico I am considering a permanent move to the island. My wife and I were planning to move to St. Thomas in five years, but decided to try an extended mini-retirement in PR now. Thanks for the inspiration!
Chad Carson says
Wow, I didn’t know about your experience helping in Puerto Rico and your potential move there. That’s really awesome! I can’t wait to hear more. Please keep me updated.
uncommondream says
Ha! Perhaps sewer smells, hairs, and grime are just standard issue. Our first place in Cuenca had all of those features and our second home had the last 2 out of 3.
I think it’s important to recalibrate your expectations for the third world, but new tenants shouldn’t need to deal with unwanted curly companions in their bed after being told their home was cleaned. This is especially true when there’s a $25 solution many expats would happily pay to know they won’t be “facing” that on their first night. 😮
We’ll be back in Cuenca soon enough and I’ll be sure to let you know if we end up going 3/3.
Chad Carson says
“Perhaps sewer smells, hairs, and grime are just standard issue.” Yeah, I’m beginning to think that’s true. Lol.
We can’t wait until you guys make it back. Since you left we’ve been up with Eric, Nic, and families for ultimate frisbee games.
Solitary Diner says
My next big trip is three weeks in France in April (one week for work, two for travel). I’m in the process of learning as much French as I can before I go in the hope that I’ll actually be able to communicate with people in smaller towns. Reading your post makes me wish I could spend an entire year away, even though travel can be difficult!
Chad Carson says
Congrats on the France trip! Any time away is amazing, and 3 weeks is enough to not be in such a rush like a shorter vacation. Will you be posting about the trip? I’d love to follow along.